Since the COVID quarantine, I have been staying with my sister and brother-in-law to help watch my niece H (now 5 years old) and nephew L (now 3 years old). When this began, my sister was pregnant and just had her baby girl a month ago, so it has been incredibly crazy in the house. The conflict I have been having recently is that my brother in law is incredibly spacy. He has ADHD and other issues and because of this he needs to be told EVERYTHING in explicit detail. You cannot assume that he will see the trash is full and naturally take it out or dishes in the sink and place them in the dishwasher. My sister will be trying to feed a fussy infant while I’m running around after the other two and he will be sitting on his computer in his own little world. He has very selective perception, which, according to O’Hair et. el (2018) is when he “chooses to attend to some things while ignoring others and often selectively pay attention to the information that is consistent with our schemas” (p.56). It is incredibly frustrating to me to see that my sister is struggling and he does not even realize it, nor will he step in to help. The few times when I have (slightly angrily) “mentioned” it to him when my sister was particularly upset, he did as I asked him to do in order to help at that exact moment, but when a similar instance occurred an hour later with my niece and nephew fighting, he seemed to have blocked them out and didn’t attempt anything to help my sister out. When I asked my sister about his behaviors and what she would have done had I not been here to help she pretty much sighed and said she just has to deal with it and does things herself.
The first way I need to go about this conversation is by focusing on one of the 3R’s; being very respectful. Cheshire (2007) states that, “respect is shown in ways similar to how they would like to be treated” (p.36). This is not my house and I do not want to be accusing my brother-in-law or speaking aggressively. I also do not want to create a defensive climate, which according to O’Hair et.el. (2018) “are those in which the people involved feel threatened. It becomes an atmosphere of mistrust…” (p. 220). My brother-in-law is also a lawyer, so he is used to being defensive and arguing his point. I on the other hand take conflict personally, and would rather do anything OTHER than debate and fight, however, I do want to let him know that it not only frustrates me, but also my sister when he ignores things that are right in front of his face. I also need to be careful of my relationship. I do not want to be alienated from my sister or my brother-in-law because I offended him with my opinion based on what I am experiencing while I am living with them. The thing I do need to be is empathetic, because he did explain to me once when I grew frustrated with that, that with his ADHD his mind is moving a million times a minute and he often has to be actively thinking about something in order to see it. He gets distracted easily by things most people do not and his mind will wonder, therefore forgetting what you just asked him to do 5 minutes ago. Since I do not have ADHD myself, I can’t really put myself in his place and understand what he is going through. This is why we have to compromise with our immediate, explicit instructions for him. With Nonviolent Communication (NVC) we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC helps us discover the depth of our own compassion (The Center for nonviolent communication, n.d.). When the trash is ready, we have to ask him, “Will, can you take the trash to the garbage can outside right now, please? or, “Will, the baby is crying. Can you please pick her up and see if she needs a diaper change?” We use the 3R’s by being respectful, watch for his response (and ours) and I can use NVC empathetic listening to establish an effective relationship with him.
A question for my colleagues, is how do you deal with someone who is “always right?” Because my brother-in-law loves to debate and as a lawyer, is well versed in this area, we usually just end up giving up to end the conversation because he refuses to “lose” even if he knows he is wrong. I can see why my sister says she “just deals with it” but it’s frustrating to me watching her struggling with her three children when it should be a team effort. Does anyone have a strategy for effectively communicating with him and not growing frustrated?
References
Cheshire, N. (2007). The 3 R’s: Gateway to Infant Toddler Learning. Dimensions of Early Childhood. Volume 35, No. 3.
O’Hair, D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven, J. (2018). Real communication: An introduction (4th. ed). New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.
The Center for Nonviolent communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. http://www.cnvc.org/
Brittany's Blog: Teaching with Ms. Pyle 
Brittany,
You are amazing in handling this conflict. You are respectfully, and responding appropriately to each situation that you are involved. The 3Rs is guiding your behavior. Great post. You are an understanding and patient person not wanting to jeopardize your relationship with your sister and brother-in-law.
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Brittany,
Thank you for your post. I actually chuckled a bit while reading it because your brother-in-law sounds a lot like my husband in the sense that he usually does have his mind elsewhere on some future task and gets lost in seeing what needs to be done right here and right now. Yet, with that being said, I must say that I do not know the relationship you have with your sister and brother-in-law (together), so speaking to their relationship can become problematic if it is not established to do so. For instance, I would not speak on my best friend and her husband’s relationship per se; rather I would speak to her regarding her behavior’s within their relationship. I cannot comment on how they decide who does the laundry, but I can say, “Girl, when was the last time you did some laundry, I’ve seen you in the same shirt five days in a row.”
However, a suggestion for your brother-in-law would be to give him some sort of visual reminder of certain chores that need to be done (e.g. check the trash at 7:00 pm daily… if it’s full, he’ll take it out, if not, he’s still checked), or you can have him set calendar reminders as well. Working with someone who is “always” right can be problematic if your goal is to have them see folly in their ways. Rather, think of it as you do not want them to be wrong, but rather, you want them to “discover” what is really right, which they were thinking all along. In example of this would be my husband was working in our backyard, digging a trench to stop the terrible runoff. He was certain that he could dig the trench 20 ft long and that the water would not still flood a certain area of our backyard. I knew he was wrong, but I couldn’t tell him that. Rather, I complimented him on the work he did and asked him to put our water hose in the pipe and watch how the water would flow. While we watched, I stood on the area that I knew would still spill over and asked him if he thought that the area would still flood. He watched the water, looked at where I was standing, and “decided” that he would probably need to lengthen the trench to extend the pipe. “He” was right. And I didn’t have to tell him anything.
Best of luck!
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